15 life lessons I've learned by 30
On getting older and forgoing expectations as a route to contentedness.
It was my birthday on November 12 and I turned 30 years old. I was really ready for it. 30 feels good. It feels like having your feet firmly planted on soft soil. It feels like psychological certainty and it tastes like clarity. 30 is being encased in an invisible amour that no-one can strip from you. It is to thrive.
I celebrated my 30th, in style in Lisbon, in a two-day birthday extravaganza that I was feeling for far too long after the celebrations subsided (I have a problem with over-indulgence) Several of my closest friends, as well as my Mum and her good friend, flew out for it. On Friday 11 November, we did drinks at the rooftop bar Java on Friday. Lisbon friends met London friends. Old relationships blended seamlessly with newer ones. I was filled with gratitude, joy - and a lot of tequila. Most of us (bar my Mum) ended up in a club until the early hours. Then, the Saturday was my actual birthday and it was fried fish and cocktails at a sunset dinner at the beach club Casa Reia, followed by a house music on the rooftop of InSolito. (I would recommend both if you are visiting Lisbon, or if you want to celebrate in the city).
It’s funny, but the build-up to 30 is far worse than the actual transcendence into the next decade. Getting older is one of those odd things where the journey is actually far worse than the destination. After 28 or 29, you notice those around you checking off the usual myriad of life’s milestones: getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, getting rich, getting pregnant. You end up questioning your own path, asking yourself if you too should be buying bitcoin, adopting a sleep hygiene schedule, or adopting a dog. (I did the latter and no regrets there). You compare yourself to everyone and wonder if you’re flowing up, and towards something, or if you’re actually just adrift at sea. Doubts about where I should be for my age (romantically, financially and physically) followed me around for some of the last year as I passed societal benchmarks and watched others pass theirs. But as I got closer to 30, they dissipated one by one.
Studies show that this generation of 30-somethings are less happy than our predecessors. It’s a new thing because traditionally, people have actually become happier as they’ve aged, with peak happiness hitting in the 60s and 70s (especially for women). But recent analysis found that this was no longer true: adults 30 and over are less happy than they used to be, while, teens and young adults are actually happier. Mature adults’ happiness is waning probably because so many of us expected to be in different positions by this age. But the reality is that stable relationships are on the decline with fewer marriages and kids. There’s less community involvement, a rising cost of living and a precarious work sector which makes it more difficult than ever for many of us to take career risks and pursue passions.
I would say even though I haven’t ticked off many traditional life checkpoints, I am happier than I’ve ever been. Like everyone else, I made a plan for my life as a teenager. Some things have gone my way, others haven’t. But I have learned to get good at adapting to change, simply because I haven’t had a choice. When a parent dies and you find out you weren’t related to them and there’s a whole family-wide conspiracy that you need to uncover on your own, you’re forced to grow whether you like it or not. I’ve learned that life is an insanely unpredictable merry-go-round of sorts, and your world can be obliterated without warning. Nothing and no-one can shape me like the last few years, and I’ve learned to tread my own path. If I’m being really honest, seeing 30 was something that I didn’t think would happen at one point. As Ari Lennox sings, I been low before - very low. So everything after that point I’ve been grateful for. I’ve learned that forgoing expectation is the key to contentedness. You can set a rough guideline for the way you want your life to go, but you never know what’s around your corner, or anyone else’s - so there’s no point being dogged in your plans. Comparison is the thief of joy and learning not to compare our milestone achievements to that of our peers, and those in previous generations, is key to feeling alright about it all. That’s easier said than done though.
2022 has undoubtedly been one of the best years of my life. It followed a chaotic portion of my twenties that was filled with more growth and soul-searching than I would have ever chosen for myself, but which I turned into projects like my book Raceless and my Audible podcast, that reached other people and gave me a purpose. After all the turbulence, I worked hard to cultivate a life full of calm, joy and people that I can really rely on, with relationships that are non-transactional and full of trust. I’ve focused on following the sunshine and protecting my peace, on moderation instead of over-indulgence (there’s still improvements to be made on that front, though). I’ve learned how to grasp a hold of the good when I find it, and let go of things - and people - that don’t serve me. This year I’ve worked smarter not harder, but discipline and consistency still don’t come easy to me.
Five years ago on my 25th birthday, I wrote a column for the Guardian called: ‘From diets to friendship to reality TV: 25 things I have learned in my 25 years’. Reading it back I’m inevitably cringed-out by some of my takes. ‘Adulthood is basically transitioning from spending £500 in Topshop to blowing £1,000 in Ikea on a credit card’ (did I ever like Topshop? And why did I think I’d spend £500 there ) and: ‘The UK isn’t the worse place in the world to live.’ (I was definitely trying to suppress my urge to leave). But there is some wisdom I picked up after losing my father and doing a ton of therapy with my mother and by myself. I wrote: ‘Physical and mental health, and that of those closest to you, is all that really matters’ (Facts!). And: ‘your parents are just two deeply flawed human beings…They have issues and weird stuff going on in their heads, just like you. Love them anyway.’ (Not bad for 25).
A lot has happened in the last five years since writing that list and I’m grateful for a large portion of it. Perhaps I’ll look back at this very post in another half a decade’s time and cringe myself out again. Hopefully I’ll feel even more content and comfortable in my skin than I do now. All we can hope for is more growth and more life. But anyway, in the hope that some of you can also relate, here are 15 things I’ve learned by the age of 30:
People will project their insecurities and expectations onto you based on their own moral shortcomings. It’s up to you to discern whether or not to let this affect you.
Peace of mind above all else. Do whatever you can to preserve and protect it, even if that means choosing a road less travelled.
You get one body and one body only. Learn to love it, care for it and make a home in it - and everything around you will feel so much easier as a result.
The truth will always, always prevail.
Friendships ebb and flow and won’t always feel balanced. Surround yourself with people you can laugh with and who are patient with you when you’re moving mad.
Few things worth having and achieving are actually easy, but the harder you work, the luckier you get.
Grief will hit you and everyone around you like a freight train at some point. This is a certainty. Grant people grace when they’re going through it and they will do the same for you.
Talking things through (unless you’re not sober) is pretty much always a good idea. Do it often. Do some exercise. Write it down. Do all of the above.
Vulnerability is a skill that you have to work on in order to cultivate real and lasting relationships - this is very hard. But being open and honest with yourself will always lead you to the best people.
Strong relationships are based on trust, joy and filling in each other’s missing blanks.
You definitely won’t regret travelling too much.
Forgiveness isn’t always easy but it is always freeing. People will upset the hell out of you, and anger is a spark that can be harnessed to initiate change but it isn’t sustainable in the long term. Beat your rage so it doesn’t beat you.
You definitely will regret not pursuing the things that you’re passionate about. But it’s never too late to switch it up.
Trust the timing of your life. But remember no one cares as much you do, honestly.
Love is a choice, but before you can love others fully, you have to work on building an enduring love with yourself. This will always be step one. 💕
Do you agree? How do you feel about ageing? Those well into their 30s please drop further wisdom.
First of all Georgina, may I wish you a very belated happy 30th birthday. Secondly, I’d like to thank you for such an enjoyable blog, which I’ve really enjoyed reading, to the extent that I put aside my previous plans for the day to read it and provide my own thoughts (the joys of being retired!).
As someone who lost a parent at a young age in similar circumstances to you (my father died of radiation exposure-induced prostate cancer at 65 in 1993), I agree 100% with the lack of choice that such an event give us in terms of adaptation to change. In my case, such changes as I have had to make have turned out to be greatly beneficial. I admit that I didn’t have the complication of not being related, as you did.
Closely bound up with the issue of adaptation to change is the hard fact that life is, as you rightly point out, unpredictable. We’ve always lived in a changing world. Being flexible with your plans is crucial to survival in such a world.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” A very quotable quote, and so true. But not comparing yourself to either peers or previous generations is much easier said than done. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself a little luxury of comparison, but you have to be very self-disciplined to ensure that it doesn’t take over and become corrosive. If that happens, you can end up taking some horrendously wrong turns from which it often proves extremely difficult to turn back.
You’re spot on when you say that few things worth having and achieving are actually easy. I found that out when I started studying for my accounting qualification (which I obtained rather late in life, at the age of 47, but without having to resit a single exam). It wasn’t easy, but nor should it be. Was it worthwhile? You bet!
As someone who managed to visit all 5 continents prior to COVID-19 hitting, I agree that you can’t do enough travelling. Visiting New Zealand taught me a lot about transport policy which we could do well to copy here. Sadly we seem to be going in the opposite direction to the Kiwis, with disastrous results that are to be seen in every street in the UK.
I’ll be printing off your 15 things you’ve learned in your 30 years and keeping them on my desk. They’re very relevant to me – a 62-year-old.
Once again, top class work Georgina. Best wishes for the future.